So our time in Kansas has done the unforgivable: revive my interest in true crime. Helen and I have recently taken to using true crime podcasts to pass the time while on the bike as we ride through ever flat Kansas. Re-exposing myself to this media inspired me to reflect on any peccadilloes I have witnessed on the trip. Ours, however, are not illegal in the slightest, but consist of acts that are, as the kids like to say these days, outtapocket. Inspired by the Sherlock Stories I have been reading on this trip, I have compiled a list of offenses both perpetrated and experienced by our team below:
1) The Case of the Bad Yum Yum Sauce
This utterly heinous crime was enacted on Alex by the universe. For what reason, we’ll never know. Alex had bought the Yum Yum sauce in our last grocery run and was dying to try it, ever curious as to what made it so “yum yum.” However, in a criminal turn of events, the yum yum sauce spoiled before he got to try it, leaving a poor taste in our mouth before ever having left the bottle. Truly a tragic ending to the case.
2) The Case of the Missing Keys
It started after the bikers left. This nagging sensation that we were forgetting something. It didn’t take long for those of us on car crew that day to realize, however, that none of us had the keys. No biggie, we thought, it must just be buried underneath some sheets or behind a backpack or something. We rummaged around the room, but to no avail. No problem, we thought, it must be out by the car, someone may have mistakenly set it on the ground while unracking the bikes. We scoured the area surrounding the car, but no such luck. Not an issue, we thought, although with more uneasiness than before, it must still be with the one of the bikers. We called each biker one by one, but no one answered.
Until one did, and to our dismay, Leo relayed that none of them had it, and that his iphone showed the keys location as inside the car. The only problem with that, the car was locked. One failed attempt at using Triple A and 4 hours later, we were able to receive car assistance and were able to retrieve our keys. The perpetrator that left the keys in the car shall remain unnamed, as this is perhaps the most grievous of transgressions in recent days.
3) Death by Alarm
I always feel like death in the morning, but an unnecessary assault on my eardrums I experienced one morning just added insult to injury. Alex had set an alarm for that morning which unfortunately had been placed right next to my head the night before. Disturbing my sleep is an egregious act, so of course this would make this list.
4) The Mystery of the Bread Orientation
I can’t believe I hadn’t even noticed. But can you blame me? Usually when I make a sandwich I’m not really thinking too hard about whether or not the sandwich I’m eating is clean. It should be? I mean the bread and everything else in it is packaged, it should be clean! Little did I know that the bread had been repackaged by a certain teammate of mine a few days before. After interrogating Helen, she spilled the beans on the culprit, Victoria, who would later confess to the crime of dropping the bread on the floor and quickly stuffing it back into the bag, leaving it in an odd orientation Technically she was within the 5 second rule, so all was forgiven, though now I am more wary when making my sandwiches.
Helen moments before spilling the beans to me…
5) Sleeping Beauty Meets G-Ma
Like I mentioned before, Helen and I share an interest in true crime, so when we had some free time one day, we elected to spend it watching a netflix docuseries on it. The episode we watched centered on the unsettling story of an elderly lady (G-Ma as we called her) turned felon. The grisly details of the case were enough to send chills down anyone’s spine, and as I laid there watching in fear I was just grateful that I wasn’t watching alone. Until I realized… I was . Helen had decided to take an unsanctioned nap without my knowledge, leaving me to witness the macabre displays on screen all by my lonesome. An act of betrayal I shan’t forget soon.
And that, ladies and gentlemen is a small list of the most egregious transgressions enacted by and on the Spokes team this year.
~ The most qualified detective you’ve ever met,
Jordan