Sorry for the hiatus yesterday. We had arrived at Ely (where we are resting for a day and teaching the next) and had finally begun to process the gravity of the overturning of Roe v. Wade and how, why, and what we are doing on this trip. It is hard to feel useful and purposeful in these times.
June 29, 2022:
The overturning of Roe v. Wade has sat heavy and suffocating. It is hard to justify what I am doing right now – voluntarily biking across the U.S. and crossing freely into and out of states that have revoked basic human rights.
It is extreme privilege that allows me to do so. Privilege that I have been born into, that I have not earned, so I cannot play the victim.
I chose to come to the U.S., I go to school in California, I am materially well-off, and I have many many opportunities to remove myself from being immediately impacted by such a decision. But I am also a woman, Chinese, and in the midst of losing the city I once called home, so my heart is shattered, and I cannot claim to feel strong or whole. I have cried many times across the past few days. Tears for those who have been robbed of autonomy, and also for myself.
I feel lost. The luxury of removing myself from the greater state of things to hop on a bike festers guilt. I cannot say I feel purposeful, even though this trip began with purpose. I cannot say I feel worthy, even though this trip began with a worthy cause. I feel guilty and heavy and broken and angry and I do not have a satisfying solution.
For now I will keep biking, because biking allows me to think, to breathe, to find the little pockets of meditation that removes me from the hurt. I will also try to lean into the pain and rage, whether in my workshops or in a town that doesn’t want to see people like me, and channel it into some manner of love and strength that can perhaps bring one child to smile or soothe one corner of myself. I don’t know if what I am doing matters at all, but because biking and teaching are healing for me, perhaps that is a selfish but sufficient enough reason to keep going.
Thank you to those who care and those who care not so much for taking the time to read through these thoughts.
Sincerely,
Sophia
…
Now, back to the blogpost:
Perhaps Charles Dickens had Nevada in mind (as well as the French Revolution of course) when he wrote, “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
Nevada has been a sin graph, or in terms more dear to me, an odyssey. From Middlegate to Austin to Eureka and now finally Ely, Highway 50, my psyche, the weather, and our team, have truly traversed peaks and valleys (some very high peaks and very very low valleys). Climbing more than 3000ft in a day, often more than 1000ft on one leg has somehow become usual for us. We have fallen into the in-someway-beautiful-but-mostly-insane rhythm of waking up before sunrise, packing up our insignificant footprints left in one city, hopping on our gradually appendage-like bikes, and cruising (more often huffing and puffing) more than 70 miles to a new location where a trash bag of dinner scraps and maybe a ghostly mark of Ody’s tire tread is all that is left of us, before repeating everything again, somewhere just as faraway and foreign.
In a game of Contact (a word guessing game) yesterday when we hid behind Ody from a sudden storm, I guessed the word “liminal” as the clue word, and that is much of how I have felt on The Loneliest Road in America. “Liminal” comes from the Latin term limen, which can mean threshold, doorway, beginning, and end (and most variations of these terms). Crossing Nevada, I have been on the limen between many things: pedaling on my physical threshold where my mind tells me that my heart will simply stop but my (sometimes infuriating) podcast and Joel’s (weirdly) colorful jersey in front keep it beating; peeking through the doorway of my own mind to sometimes embrace and other times deposit thoughts and memories from various periods of my life; embarking on the beginning of loving the team infinitely – loving Aja and I’s special “language,” loving Katherine’s unbelievably absurd jokes (that somehow lift me out of every trough I find myself lying in), loving Timothy’s dance moves and word plays and genuine excitement (and sometimes hatred) for pushing up hills every leg, loving Parth’s always diplomatic demeanor that keeps us (relatively) stable, loving how Vincent while still not fully recovered from dehydration, offered his water bottle to the rest of the bikers (and also how he drank the leftover broth from cooked quinoa), loving Joel’s always present ear (often encased in days-old sunscreen) for my haphazard thoughts and stories; and reaching some ends of things – the end of holding myself at a safe distance from vulnerability (in fact I have had two and a half cry sessions so far), the (approaching) end of considering things too far beyond what lies just below my tire, and of course the end of our time in Nevada.
O Nevada, I have exclaimed many times the past few days. A state of ups and downs in all senses, a state of liminality, of beginning and ends, a state of tears (perhaps too many) and laughs (never enough)...I will miss the high I feel at the peak of every hill, I will miss the group penguin huddle in yet another storm, I will miss the many many times I wanted to stop and one teammate or another would extend their (both metaphorical and literal) hand to pull me along. I am infinitely grateful to this liminal state.
nubem eripiam…usquam abero et tutum ad patrio te limine sistam (Aeneid ii, 606-620)
See you soon,
Sophia